Green Flags in a Divorced Dad

Dating is already challenging enough— but when it’s a divorced dad you’re getting to know, there’s an additional layer of complexity. In this blog post, I'll share nine qualities that signal authenticity, maturity, and a commitment to playing the long game. Let's shift our focus from the red flags and cautionary tales and focus instead on some of the positive characteristics that make a divorced dad a potential keeper.

Read on for 9 major green flags in a divorced dad:

Promising signals to watch for in a divorced father

Now, these are my own opinions, based on my experience as a psychologist, coach, and stepmom of over a decade. Please use your own judgment, as always, to discern what’s best for you! But, if you’re dating a divorced father and you’re not sure what to look for, this list is a great place to start.

Green Flag #1: He’s open about the fact that he’s a parent

He doesn't shy away from the fact that he’s a father or try to gloss over some of the less enticing parts of parenthood. In fact, dad, he even kinda leans in to some of the potentially dorky parts of the dad role.

For example, when my husband and I were first dating, I was over at his house one day. And as he's plating up our food, he started cutting up my food into tiny little bite sized pieces before he caught himself, turned bright red, and said, “I'm sorry. You're a grown woman! You can cut your own food.” He was embarrassed in that moment, but I found it so endearing because it made sense! He was a dad of two young kids.

So, as you're getting to know this person and you see him really owning that part of his identity, it can signal something to you about his priorities, his authenticity, and his willingness to show up as the same version of himself across different contexts— even when it might be “cooler” or “smoother” to shy away from that. That's a big green flag.

Green Flag #2: He doesn’t “use” the dad role

He's not using the fact that he’s a parent to attract a new partner. So, on a dating profile, for example, he might include a picture of him with his kids. But, he's not trotting them out in every single photo on his profile. He's not using them as a kind of bait to get interest from potential dating partners.

Similarly, when you're spending time together, he's not making the kids the primary focus of his entire personality. He's able to keep company with you, keep the conversation going, and engage with you on a range of different topics— not just the fact that he's a dad.

This shows that he views his kids as an important part of his life, but not assets he can use to his own advantage. It also communicates that he's a multidimensional person, which is always a green flag in my book.

Green Flag #3: He is committed to co-parenting

Now, every family situation will be different, so I'm generalizing here. But, you want to be looking for some indication that this person is taking his role as a co-parent seriously, regardless of his personal feelings toward his ex.

Again, there are always exceptions, but I think it's a good idea to be listening for things like a formal co-parenting plan, some kind of formal schedule with the kids, as well as just the overall tone and word choice when discussing co-parenting.

This can signal maturity and also can serve as a preview of coming attractions. It tends to suggest that this man is playing the long game, which is a good thing for him, the kids, and you.

A QUICK NOTE ABOUT THE CO-PARENTING RELATIONSHIP:

This tends to be an area where a lot of misinformation is spread, so let me be clear. Two divorced parents do not need to be best friends in order for their co-parenting relationship to be a healthy one.

So, if as you're getting to know this person he indicates that he and his kid's mom are not really that close and wouldn't consider themselves friends, it's not an immediate red flag.

What's much more important to pay attention to? The maturity and the seriousness with which he approaches co-parenting. The ability to maintain healthy, open lines of communication and come together around certain decisions for the kids— even though you don't actually enjoy each other— is a major sign of maturity.

And that's why I think it's a green flag.

Green Flag #4: He’s an emotionally mature communicator

I would say this is true of any dating relationship, but it’s especially important when you're dating a divorced parent. Because divorce can be a stressful, often prolonged, process. And because there is this ongoing period of adjustment to the family's “new normal”, it says a lot about a guy if he's able to navigate all of that while still maintaining the capacity to be emotionally available for you and attentive to what you're saying.

Sometimes we might have shared values with a person, but if they're not able to effectively communicate with us about those, it's kind of a nonstarter. So, for example, maybe he has decided that he doesn't want to go on to have any more kids. There's a big difference between just blurting out, “I'm done having kids!” and asking you about your goals and desires for the future and then having a conversation with you about where he stands.

If he shows you that he's able to do the latter? Green flag.

Green Flag #5: He’s open about his past and growth

There can be a lot of fear and hesitation for a divorced dad to open up about his past relationship, but the ability to discuss that with you as a relevant, formative part of his life— while accepting his own role in his past experiences, including the end of that relationship— signals emotional intelligence and, again, maturity.

Pay particular attention to how he discusses the relationship with his kids’ mom. Is he quick to make a blanket statement (e.g., “she's crazy”)? Or is he able to speak to the challenges while also accepting his own part in that relationship. That'll tell you a lot about his willingness and ability to accept responsibility in lots of different areas of his life.

It can also give you a little window into the value he places on personal growth and evolution based on some of our hardest experiences in life.

Not easy to do, for any of us, right? So, green flag if he does.

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Green Flag #6: He prioritizes support and self-care

There are often increased demands that fall on the shoulders of a divorced dad. So, his ability to be honest with himself and anticipate what he'll need can make a huge difference in how successful he is in this role and how healthy and available he might be as a partner to you.

If he can take his responsibilities seriously while also recognizing that he's not superhuman and he's willing to ask for help so he can be the best person, best dad, best partner he can possibly be? I think that's a big green flag. It shows common sense, humility, and a commitment to playing the long game in life. Green flag.

Green Flag #7: He is financially responsible and independent

He's got his financial ducks in a row or is actively working on a plan to be able to provide for his family for the long term. He's not above asking for help when he needs it, but he has a healthy sense of independence.

Another way to put this is he's not expecting an award for being a good parent. So, let's say he does something nice for the kids and you compliment him by saying, “Wow, you're such a good dad!”

He might say thank you, but then he’ll kinda keep it moving, implying yeah, that's what what I'm supposed to be doing!

Green flag.

Green Flag #8: He respects your timeline

He's not preventing you from meeting the kids for ages and ages without any discussion, but he's also not forcing you to come together and meet before you're all ready.

Even after you've met, he's respecting your own natural timing. He's not pushing or pressuring you to have a certain kind of a relationship with the kids faster than you’d like.

The main unifying theme or thread running through all of these examples is that he's sensitive to your experience in all of this. He's protective of you and the kids. He wants what's best for the people he cares about, and that's evident in how he handles questions of timing with you.

Green Flag #9: He puts you at ease

You already know that you care about this person. You're already feeling outstanding mutual attraction. (At least I hope you do.)

But, the reality is: Stepmom life can be challenging! If you decide to pursue a relationship with this guy and go on to eventually move into the stepmom role, your relationship and the experience of feeling safe and cherished and at ease in his presence becomes so important.

It's going to make a huge difference when the going gets tough. We can't always predict what life has in store and that's certainly true of stepfamily life.

If you can already feel now that when you're in his presence, you're relaxed, you feel a sense of ease, and you don't have to work so hard?

That is maybe the greatest green flag of all.

Already dating a divorced dad?

If you know he's a keeper and you're looking ahead to the future, check out this roundup of my top tips for new stepmoms. And welcome to the club!

From green flags to the road ahead, stepmom life is a lot to navigate. I'm here to help.

The life of a stepmom can be complex, baffling, and straight-up triggering. But, while the demands are real, so are the potential rewards. With the right guidance and support, I believe any stepmom can flourish in this role.

When worry becomes a permanent fixture in your daily life, it crowds out joy, fulfillment, and fun. If you're ready to get a handle on your stepmom stress so you can create meaningful change for yourself and your family, you've come to the right place!

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